Getting Back to Writing by Mari Juniper
It’s harder getting back to writing than stopping writing.
“What? Are you crazy?” you say. “If your dream is to be a multi-billionaire writer…”
Ahem, calm down. Not that much...
“Okay,” you puff, “if your dream is to be a writer, you ought to be suffering when you are in a period when you can’t write.”
And I did, as undoubtedly has everyone who has ever been in this situation – at least before becoming a multi… *cough* a long-term successful writer. Here’s what usually happens when you stop writing and you’re not one of those people who decide to pursue other ventures. You go through the following moods:
1) Overwhelmed
This is the feeling that propels your decision to give it a break. Life took over and it’s increasingly difficult to reconcile your writing with “real life”. I’m not talking about the normal conflicts most writers go through, like dealing with the day job, best beloved, kids, housework, the writing itself and on top of all, time for oneself. That’s hard enough and I admire more and more people who juggle all these. But there are moments of great change in life that make this delicate balance crumble before us, like a serious illness in the family, or of the own writer, a change of profession, or another important life event.
This is what happened to me. I decided to change professions and for a period that wasn’t a problem. When things didn't go according to plan and real life issues overwhelmed me I had no mind to write. My creativity was sucked away by the worry and stress I was experiencing. Those were very hard times. My last resource was to move back home (across an ocean, so you understand the magnitude of the moving).
2) Resigned
While I didn’t want the move to happen and I did everything to prevent it, at some point it became clear that it was inevitable. So I decided that the move was the best option after all. It was actually the only option since the place where I was living wasn’t giving me conditions to support myself and I needed firmer ground to let my creativity flow. So I had one last talk with my muse and having assured her that having her back was my very first priority I sent her off on a long vacation. We parted ways with tears in both our eyes.
3) Determined
This is when I had to be the strongest. I didn’t put pressure on myself for writing, for updating my blog, for visiting my friend’s blogs, for being present online (twitter et all). A weight was lifted from my shoulders (incredibly enough) and I set myself to work hard.
4) Insecure
The move did happen and in the end it was for the best. However, it was not easy. I arrived in a most uncomfortable and stressful environment but I was determined. In the beginning I seriously considered going back to my old profession for I was afraid of not being able to support myself in the new one, being a freelancer for the first time in my life. Many doubts crossed my mind, about almost anything you can imagine.
5) Determined
In a matter of months I managed to move to my own apartment and establish myself as a professional translator, a profession that is not only pleasant to me but is also close to my ultimate goal. (writing, right? ;) ) After a few more months I felt safe enough to nudge my muse to come back home – to our new home. That’s the point I’m in now: I have all the basic structure set and it's time to... write!
“Yay!” you say. “It wasn’t so hard after all, was it?”
Hold on, what I’ve told you so far is a neat progression of events and feelings, but we people are not so simple, are we? Intertwined with those moods were the following:
• Sadness that my “creative channel” was completely blocked. I had done it to myself so there was no one else to blame.
• Desperation. Would I ever be able to write again? Would life swallow me up? Would I become just a robot with different clothes (profession)? Or before that: Will I even be able to establish myself? What if I couldn't pay my bills? What if I had to get back to my old profession to earn a living and be miserable for the rest of my pitiful life?
• Defeatism. Was I even fit to be a writer? Maybe it was better to put everything behind and move on with life. Even if I got to write professionally, I would never be a good writer. My standards are too high and I should be realistic that I have not enough talent to reach the quality I want to produce.
So you see, stopping writing and putting things into action to get back to writing was no piece of cake.
“But how could getting back be even harder?” you ask.
Do you remember the vacations I sent my muse to? Well, think about when you come back from your own vacation. It’s hard to set the gears into motion again, isn’t it? Yeah, my muse is no different from all of us in this aspect.
And there’s the location factor. My muse isn’t exactly happy about our new home. Did you ever feel some places are more favorable to write than others? For me, the place where I live is very important to my writing. There are places that stifle my creativity, and others that give it a nice good burst.
"Okay, so what did you take from my your history so far?" you ask.
Believe it or not, instead of learning that I had to be strong etc etc, I learned to allow myself to fail.
Of course we have to be persistent, keep our main goal in mind at all times, no matter how difficult things are, and all those pep-talks you might be tiring of. That’s a given, otherwise we'd change direction in life, right?
I used to think only about persistence and strength, until I read a newspaper article about a most curious book. I eventually read the book and it helped me understand that I didn’t have to be strong all the time. That I could allow myself grieve the temporary loss of my writing, and that I should care for myself in these hard times. I should allow myself to cry – When you’re too strong for too long, you forget how to cry and you get a huge knot on your throat and heart. Not good, I’ll tell you.
Most importantly, I've learned that there’s nothing wrong about failing. Everyone fails many times during their lives and we shouldn’t beat ourselves up for it. Why not acknowledge we've screwed up, care for our wounds, dust off and move on? You don’t really think this nice little history of mine didn’t include lots of bumps and falls, do you? Man, there were loads of it!
So, keeping focused on my ultimate goal, persisting (as they all tell us we should do) and being gentler to myself is how I got where I stand now. And that's how I'm going to succeed. So the greater lesson I took from this experience is that my motto can be applied to myself. Who would tell, eh?
Now tell me about you, have you ever had to stop writing for a while? How was it when you got back to writing? Do you think it was harder to get back to writing than stopping writing?
