Learning to Trust Myself by LJ Cohen
January 12, 2012
I came of age in the 70's, so you might be forgiven for thinking I was comfortable with 'letting it all hang out.' Yes, it was the age of feminism, of encounter groups, of empowerment, but while the calendar says one thing, my experiences say another. I was the late in life child of two depression-era parents. In fact, my parents could have been any of my friend's grandparents and so my sense of self and my core values come from a very different generation than my age-peers.
My parents vividly remembered going without, having nothing, and having to scrabble to survive. It didn't matter that by the late 1960s, my father was a successful business man and we had a small but tidy house in the suburbs of New York and a new car. What mattered to them was that it could all disappear with a moment's notice. My mother, in particular, lived her life waiting for the other shoe to drop, frightened of all possible good fortune, and deeply suspicious of feelings.
Little surprise that I grew up not trusting my inner compass. If you didn't express your fear, anger, or sadness because to do so would make them real, and you didn't express your hopes, joy, and happiness for fear of them being taken away, then you were left with a swirling mass of self-doubt.
While I always dreamed of being a writer, it wasn't a profession that my parents encouraged. They steered me to a more pragmatic choice, relegating my writing to the status of hobby. I don't want to sound as if this were some sort of terrible punishment--in fact, I had a wonderful career as a physical therapist and have absolutely no regrets about the path I pursued. What I do regret is spending all those years believing that my writing wasn't good enough and keeping it hidden away in notebooks.
People talk about mid-life crises, about waking up unhappy in your life and in your skin and trying something new. For some, this ends badly, with broken marriages and scarred family relationships. For me, this began with my husband challenging me to write a book. A year later, I had a rekindled love of writing and one completed novel.
Over the next seven years, I wrote six more novels, each one stronger than the last and in the process, I realized that I had learned to trust myself. I finally began to listen to my inner voice: it would tell me if I was on the right track or not. In looking at my work, I realized something else as well. All my stories revolve around protagonists searching for identity and learning to trust in and rely on their own strength. I was finally able to accept what I felt through working out what my characters experienced. In the end, I was able to look at my body of work and be pleased at both the process and the finished product.
On January 13, 2012, I will have realized a lifelong dream: to publish a novel. THE BETWEEN, my debut, is a story I am proud of. It has a strong female protagonist who learns to find her own power. Lydia was able to accomplish this at age 17. It took me a few more decades, but I think I'm finally there, too. I do know that I'm not afraid to admit I am nervous, hopeful, excited, and scared. Having all these emotions swirling inside me is part of being fully alive.
Releasing this novel has been a risk. Readers could hate it. Worse, it could be ignored, not read at all. With the sheer numbers of books published every day, this is a very real possibility. Despite it all, despite the risks, despite the potential for disappointment, I am forging ahead, taking the gamble, and believing in myself. Regardless of what happens next, this has been the most incredible ride.
If you'd like to read THE BETWEEN, it is available in both eBook and trade paperback editions on Amazon, B&N, Smashwords, and iTunes. Links to all the sales portals can be found at http://www.ljcohen.net/the-between.html.
