October Sky by Shane Crawford

The sky was dark, heavy, and cold; a typical late October day.  The leaves in the trees had already mostly turned, leaving some trees half naked and others bare skeletons reaching their fingers to a cloudy sky.  It was a fitting sight as Halloween was just days away.

Looking at the grass under my feet I pondered if I should mow.  I was hoping the last time I mowed, two weeks ago, would be the last of the season.  She would want me to mow, of course, and I knew how much it would please her if I did.  The dogs stared at me mournfully, adding to the guilt I already felt for even considering shirking my duties.

I pulled the mower from the shed and checked its tank; it was empty.  The gas can I retrieved was the same, of course.  Just another example of my lackadaisical attitudes towards yard work.   Disgusted with myself I threw it back into the shed.  The empty gas can crashed hollowly against a back shelf, knocking something to the floor.

The heavy thud told me exactly what it was without even looking; a half empty bottle of whiskey, just one of my many stashes.  A new wave of guilt washed over me and I turned angrily away from the shed.  Another lie, another fear, another false hope.

Questions had long ago turned to disbelief.  Acceptance was still too far off and I was still pissed at her, at God, and at mostly myself.  Somehow, someway, it was my fault.  Things almost always were.  I didn’t need her to tell me that, (though she rarely did), but it was my fault.  And I was always wrong.  Just ask my mother.

I stood there and just stared at the sky.  Cursing, wondering and hating.  I lowered my gaze and saw the walnut tree in the distance.  That same damned tree that caused so much consternation this time of year was the same tree that brought her so much peace.  My feet started moving on their own towards that spot.

I wasn’t surprised to find her standing silently on the other side of it, a sad smile on her face as she stared up at the clouds.  “You’re not supposed to be here,” I told her.  She just continued to stare at the sky, though her smile broadened slightly.  As always, she said nothing.

I just stared at her.  She was so beautiful and my heart ached.  Despite everything I had done, everything I put her through, she was still here for me.  I didn’t deserve it.  The pain, the depression, the fear; those things I deserved.  But her love, her understanding and patience, I never did.  But she gave those things unconditionally, even now.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.  “I never meant…I should have,” but the rest of the words caught in my throat as tears started to well in my eyes.  She turned to me, her smile widening.  The love in her eyes, those wonderful and forgiving eyes, caused me to fall to my knees, crying uncontrollably.

I don’t know how long I knelt there; sobbing, hating, wishing.  When I finally looked up she was gone.  I looked around for her, but knew I wouldn’t find her.  Wiping my eyes, I got back to my feet and started for the house.  The dogs stared at me again, pity and love in their dark eyes.  “I know,” I said to them.  “I know.”

The house was silent and dark, but I hardly noticed as I grabbed my car keys from the dining room table.  I didn’t remember getting in my car, or driving to the store, or buying the single red rose.  In my haze I drove the streets as the sun started to set behind the clouds, lending a pink and orange hue to the gray sky.

When I finally stopped and turned the car off I just sat there, turning the rose over and over in my hand.  Again my feet moved of their own accord to the destination I dreaded most.  The confirmation of that spot was too much for me.  The finality of the cold marble was still too much to bear.  Again I was on my knees, tears pouring down like the rain that had just started falling.  I laid the rose on the ground.

“Thank you,” was all I could say before I got up and walked away from her grave.